Four Pillars of Positive Parenting.

Parenting isn’t simple, is it?  Nope.  But we can always make it simple by sticking by simple foundations in our parenting. These are the pillars which we run our decisions and, more importantly, actions and reactions by – before we do them.  (I’ll come back to that later.)

They are not only the values that we stand for as parents – and people – but the values we want to instil innately in to our children.

We all love our children.  I know you that,  You know that.  But sometimes that love can be shrouded out of our daily communication and relationship with our children by life: the stress, the overwhelm, the business that over-takes us.  Before we know it, it is the end of the day, the kids are in bed or in their rooms and we realise that those precious moments were skirted over trying to navigate daily life.

When we get in the habit of making the following pillars the backbone to our daily interactions with our kids, we are getting in to the habit of constantly re-enforcing our love for them in way that is embedded in our actions – even the ones when we are asking them to put their shoes on or tidy their rooms for 16^th time that hour.  This demonstration of love isn’t telling them 100 times a day (although there is nothing wrong with that!) It is about making them feel it – which will improve everything in your relationship.  It tells them they are safe in your presence… you are their safety.  That old adage ‘You are my rock.’  It’s that. When you give them that feelings, it is telling them that they don’t have any other worries, other than being a kid (or whatever age they are) That you have their back.  You will carry them.  When a child grows up innately certain that, with you, they can ‘be’ whoever they are in that moment (excited, happy, sad, confused, angry…) they grow up able to focus on the experience of growing up – and only that. It is the greatest gift you can give a child.

Pillar One: Always be willing to listen.

It might feel like this isn’t always possible and this is not an instruction to always put down what you are doing in that minute (you can always ask them to wait) but showing that you have time for them to share their thoughts, experiences and feelings -even if they are very different from your own – shows them that they are valuable to you.  It shows them they are interesting and worthy of your ears, worthy of your time.

It sounds so simple but this is one of the things that easily gets lost in the rampage of daily family life.  But it is one of the most powerful ways to instigate and maintain long lasting deep connections of trust from child to parent.

Pillar Two: Time

Childhood is like grains of sand in our fingers.  We must make time in our lives to share with them before those moments are gone to history.  This isn’t about big day trips out. This is about small pockets of time where you are one to one together. It is about reinforcing that connection everyday – and can be as simple as quick game that takes 5 minutes before school or 10 minutes sitting down and sharing a drink and a biscuit after school or work.  It re-connects the two of you after time away – beit being asleep or at school or work.  Once again, it tells them they are important and gives you time implement Pillar One.  This is bonding on the reg.

Pillar Three: Physical Contact.

Of all the pillars, this is the one that is easily embedded when children are little and easily lost as they progress through the tween/teen years.  It is your job to maintain this contact as they grow up – through the times when they really aren’t bothered about you! (Which is totally natural and part of the brain maturing process of reaching teenage years.) Again, this could be as simple and forming a family habit of having a hug the first time you see each other in the morning.  If it is embedded in a family routine from a young age, it is more likely to stick as they go through the teen years.  It helps reinforce the connection I spoke of in Pillar Two, but more than that, there is power in physical touch that reinforces your bond much more efficiently than words do – especially through the teenage years. It is physical reassurance that that your love for them is still there, strongly burning away.  Speaking of burning away: a hug, heart to heart – even a quick one – is a powerful way to re-connect after a row with your teenager the night before.  It says’ fresh day…same strong love as before.’  Never underestimate the positive power of your touch.  Never underestimate the negative power of withholding your physical love.

Pillar Four: Words Count.

Human being are sound detectors.  Language is so much more than words.  It is tone, volume, intonation.  We hear everything.  We even hear visually: body language.  Be aware not only what you say to your child, but in front of them.  Try each day to imbed in your conversation things that you love about them (that was helpful/considerate.  You showed real patience there etc.) This reinforces to them their positive aspects. Children, and teenagers especially, can have a lot of negative self talk running through their heads all day long, and these small verbal gestures remind them of all the good things about them.  If they hear this externally a lot, the will internalise it in to their own self talk too.  But also talk about them to others in positive ways, especially when they might overhear.  This shows them how proud you are of them, and again, is a way for them to internalise that positive self talk and the love you have for them.  It tells them that you are their greatest fan, their place of safety.