Why Understanding a Child’s Brain Development is Key to Behavioural Expectations.

Your child’s brain is constantly developing and under construction. And yet, historically, culturally and commonly, parent’s expectations of their child – from toddler to teen – is in line with their own adult brain function and subsequent behaviours.

Whilst it is natural for parents to make comparisons between their children and themselves, or other adults, it is important to remember that every individual is unique and develops at their own pace. Trying to force your child to develop according to your own timeline, or that of others, can be detrimental to their growth and may cause them undue stress.

Allow your child the time and space to develop at their own pace and in their own way. Celebrate their individual quirks and characteristics – these are what make them special and unique! Trying to turn them into a clone of yourself or someone else will only stifle their creativity and individuality.

But really this is about understanding that, from toddler to teen, children do not possess the same brain processes as adults. For example, teenager brains are not wired yet to evaluate consequences in the same way that an adult’s is. They can’t process and trouble shoot with the same depth and scope that an adult would. We can call this stage in their brain development the mini narcissist brain – they aren’t wired to fully be aware of other’s in the same way that adults can. It is why their actions may, at times, appear to be selfish and why parents often don’t feel ‘seen’ by their teenagers.

This doesn’t mean that you should accept any and all behaviour from your teenager – but it does mean that you shouldn’t expect them to think and behave like a fully-fledged adult. Try to see the world from their perspective and offer support, understanding and patience where needed.

Of course, this is just one example. Every child is different and will develop in their own way and at their own pace. But the main thing to remember is that comparisons are rarely helpful and can often be harmful. So try to focus on celebrating your child’s unique qualities and characteristics – they are the ones that make.

We can look at toddler in the same way. Western culture seems to focus a lot on ‘sharing’ and the need to fulfil the social behaviours and expectations of polite society. But again a toddler and young child’s brain is not capable of sharing and understanding social norms yet. So it is important not to put too much pressure on them to behave in a way that they are not developmentally ready for.

Traditionally, parents have used punitive punishments and shame to squash these behaviours but really we should approach them – the behaviours and the child – with patience and empathy. After all, they are still learning and growing and their brains are not yet fully developed. So try to give them the grace and space to make mistakes, guide them in learning from those mistakes and support them in developing into ways to problem solve and manage their own emotions .

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