Why Kids Meltdown and What You Can Do About It.

Kids don’t meltdown or explode to annoy us, manipulate us or to deliberately defy us.

The connection between child and parent is instant, before birth even. We see this in humans and animal. The baby hunts for familial skin and the scent of the mother after birth and, equally, the mother for the baby. This connection continues throughout the childhood. It may not be as easy to see at times – hello teenage years – but they are still seeking out the connection, the approval, the love bond.

When children ‘misbehave’ it is their way of trying to tell us something. They are acting out because they feel disconnected, unsupported or misunderstood. Misbehaviour is the product of problems they cannot solve and – more often – emotions they can’t handle or haven’t been taught to handle alone.

The toddle may be having a meltdown because they cannot communicate something, or do something or process their world or emotions yet.

The teenager may be fuelled with anger and raging because they have come across boundaries, made an ill-thought-out decision or are overwhelmed by their demanding life or their fluctuating hormones.

We can help our children by modelling behaviour in ourselves that:

– Shows we understand their feelings.

– Gives them time to calm down.

– Encourages them to talk about their behaviour and why it was a problem.

– Helps them find new, more effective ways to get their needs met.

You can achieve this by calming your own triggers (not so easy for those of us who grew up in dis-regulated houses ourselves) and giving our children a space where they are respected and treated as valid and on equal standing to us – the parent.

When we do this, we are helping our children to learn how to cope with the big emotions they feel. This teaches them how to cope with the situation or their emotions. It is not an instant ‘fix; but something that you, as the parent, are engineering in your child on a daily a basis. The aim is that you are hard-wiring in these skills to them, so that they are innately equip as they move in to adulthood themselves, to regulate their own behaviour and emotions whatever challenges arise in their life.

Alongside this, we are connecting with them and strengthening our bond. We are reminding them that we are their parent, their safe space, their constant – whatever they bring: emotions, problems, challenges – they are not alone and all aspects of who they are are accepted here.

If you’re struggling to work out what is going on for your child, here are some questions to ask yourself that may help:

– What has happened just before the behaviour?

– When does this behaviour usually happen?

– What does my child get out of this behaviour?

A more challenging question for self-reflection is: what was I bringing to this interaction before the meltdown? We are all human and you, as a parent, will often be juggling a lot. it is easy to forget that children are often reactive as reactive to them as we are to them.

If you’re still struggling with this, reach out to me katie@thehappywellbeingclub.co.uk or download my free ebook Conflict to Calm in 4 Easy Steps here.

We have to remember that children are not miniature adults. They are still developing and growing and their brains are not yet fully developed. That’s why they need our guidance, our patience and most importantly our lov