What can our children’s behaviour tell us about ourselves?

When our child is behaving in a way that we don’t understand, it can be confusing and frustrating. We may wonder what we are doing wrong as parents. The truth is, our child’s behaviour is usually a reflection of our own behaviour. If we want to change our child’s behaviour, we need to start by looking at ourselves. Your child is your mirror. If you want to know what you’re doing wrong, look at your child. If you want to know how you can improve yourself, look at your child. Children are a reflection of their parents, and they show us our own strengths and weaknesses. In this blog post, we will discuss some of the behaviours that children exhibit and what they are telling us about ourselves.

One common behaviour that children exhibit is tantrums. When our child throws a tantrum, it can be easy to lose our cool and yell at them. However, this only makes the situation worse. Yelling at our child only serves to escalate the situation and teaches them that it is okay to express their anger in that way. Instead, we need to take a step back and try to understand what is causing the tantrum. Is our child tired, hungry, or just overwhelmed? Once we know the root cause of the tantrum, we can deal with it in a more constructive way. This will also help us to avoid losing our own temper in future situations.

Often children are reactive to the parent’s moods, tensions and the atmosphere set by the parent: this results in more tantrums as the child is on edge. A great way to explore this is with reflection after a tantrum: what was going on before this behaviour? How might I have added to this emotional display from my child?

Another common behaviour that children display is defiance. Defiance can be extremely frustrating for parents, but it is important to remember that it is a normal part of child development. Children are testing their boundaries and trying to figure out their place in the world. If we react to their defiance with anger or punishment, we are only teaching them that it is okay to express their feelings in that way. Instead, we need to try to understand why they are acting out. Is there something going on at school or at home that is causing them to stress? Once we know the root cause of the defiance, we can help them to deal with it in a more constructive way.

Considering older children, their behaviour can be seen as a rebellion against their parents during adolescence. However, this behaviour is also a way for them to figure out their own identity and place in the world. If we react to their behaviour with anger or punishment, we are only making it harder for them to figure out who they are. Instead, we need to try to understand why they are acting out.

Teenagers are a time of concern for many parents as we see more social concerns exhibited in their children such as worrying about appearance. There is a lot of messaging being given to young people about what is the ‘correct’ way to look. It is really important that parents balance this with the messaging on appearance in the home. For example, instead of criticising your own appearance, or asking for approval of what you are wearing, instead model being happy in your own skin. Become conscious of the social anxieties your child has. Can you identify any of them in yourself? How might you have modelled them to the child? Again, once you are conscious of this messaging, it is easier to stop it and reinforce another narrative to your child.

It is important to remember that our children are always watching us and learning from us. Our behaviour is a powerful tool that we can use to teach them how to behave. If we want our children to be happy and well-adjusted, we need to start by looking at ourselves. We need to be role models that they can look up to and learn from.

Do you see yourself in your behaviour? Try to be more conscious of your behaviour and the example you are setting for your children. The next time your child throws a tantrum or acts out in defiance, take a step back and try to understand what is really going on. You may be surprised at what you learn about yourself.